Update

It’s been a week since the last post, so I’ll get you up to speed:

My great-grandmother went through surgery, and made it through fine. Doctors said that she’s fine, I hear from my mom, and she simply looks good. I haven’t been down to see her, or heard from my grandmother yet (my grandmother’s the one taking care of her) so I am unsure of the specifics of her situation.

This week, though, or as of 1 a.m. this morning, should I say, my mother told me that my great-grandmother is questioning the doctors (she’s still in the hospital: 93 year olds don’t make it out that quick) as to why they’re taking such care of her; soberly stated, she knows she’s dying. She speaks of it so surely, so convinced, so accepted, and so readily. She knows she’s going Home, she knows it. I’ll post later on my feelings of that; as for now, other things will suffice.

Instead of having small groups at my Aunt & Uncle’s house like we regularly do, and because of the Super Bowl (which I have nothing to post on; I’m just wasn’t concerned or interested. Sports aren’t my thing) North Hills Community Church decided to have a Saturday night service in the stead of their Sunday night services so that they could let the Sunday night service go. I met and interesting conglomeration of people, and enjoyed the church service. We took communion, teared up a bit, sang songs and spoke with others and ourselves. I hope that doesn’t sound cliche or usual to you: it’s not that way for me. I am so not used to that.

Sunday was pretty good; I got to see my nieces and nephews, hung out with them and whatnot. I’m really hopeful to get involved in their life. It’s hitting me that I am really an uncle now…the gravity is pulling my mind back down to earth. Frustrating, adding responsibility like I’ve never thought, and throwing in hopes and fears to my life outlook. God does what he wants, I just want to be faithful.

Since then, I haven’t done anything of any importance. I do know that I’m planning on going back to school, and I’m looking into upgrading to a macbook pro. I need lotsa money, people, lotsa money. Maybe one day I’ll own an iMac, too, but that’s too much for now. I need a computer that can do media and all school stuff. Yay…

I look forward to keeping you guys updated, but we’ll see what happens. I am not enjoying all of these new responsibilities. Ugh…and yay. Both, at the same time.

On (barely) Suffering Well

Today is the day, they say.

This is the most dreadful day I’ve had in a while, but I’m at some sort of peace with it. I’m not sure whether it’s peace, acceptance or a hard heart, but my hope is that it’s a thorough mix of the two former.

My great-grandmother of 93 recently fell and broke her hip, as well as hurt her face quite a bit. She lives in assisted living quarters in Laurens, and was found in her room, unable to get attention from anyone outside(she couldn’t make it to the door; there was no malicious neglect or anything of the sort, here). She’s going to need surgery, a seriously ample amount of recovery time, and a hopeful countenance to make it through; you know, whatever anyone would need after such a drastic accident. I should fail not to mention her history of heart disease, and briefly remind you of her age, to soberly attempt to point you to this story’s semeingly impending resolution.

The strange part, though, isn’t in the crazy turn of events that she’s seemed to find herself in, but in the position that she takes through it all: that of such a persistent convincing that she’s ready to go home to Jesus.

Who is ever ready to hear that? For in the times that our perspective of 1 Corinthians 13:13 is a little too earthly-minded, the greatest of these comes in to remind us of just who we are and whom we’re dealing with: God, Himself, unashamed and unrestricted.

I’m never ready for that. As I contemplate my death, as I do all of the time, it takes all that I am to change my pattern of thinking to that of something less grim and authoritative. I’m not ever ready to consider my own death; she’s fully convinced and ready to get it over with. Who am I; wretched, faithless man, that I would question God, especially as He’s defined Himself as faithful, even more as He was promised salvation, and even more the extreme that He’s poured out that hope, living and abounding abundantly in my heart!

Sober yourself, quickly, lest you ever forget that the God of this reality has offered Himself, brought you to Himself in salvation, and secured that salvation for all eternity; lest I forget the rapturous love of the God who has consumed my great-grandmother and myself, and walk as a blind man, with open eyes.

I always try to leave you guys with a multi-sensory protrusion from my script; this time, it’s a song more dear to my heart than you know. Please enjoy:

Soli Deo Gloria

The Upcoming Semester (or sort of)

Dear audience,

I don’t say this enough, but I love you. As far as I’m concerned, Jesus loves you, and that makes loving you my concern as well. If I’ve failed you, please understand that I’ve failed Jesus far more, and that I’m not going to falsely justify my misdeeds with that statement. I love you. Deep down, I really love you, and I’m really scared to show you that.

I have so much that I could give to you – a little time,  a song or two, a walk in a park, a ride in a car, a talk on the phone, a warm bed in a warm home – and I wish that I could. Tonight’s one of those nights where my head and heart are filled with visions of the loved and loveless  as one, finding love and being fulfilled in it.

I won’t be returning to NGU this semester. I’m taking it off to refocus on God; I had given myself over to another lover: fear. This time, fear worked out in disobedience, but it normally works out in stagnation. I will also be reconciling my head with my heart over the course of this free semester – that means evangelizing the lost whom are for-ordained to receive Christ or not, because I am commanded, convicted and compelled. I’m going to pray and read my bible (and let me just say that though Pentacostals and Charismaniacs rape and pulverize the life out of this term, the bible truly is the living Word of God.) and am already finding a once distant peace within the relationship I have with those pages.

There’s much left to write, but that’s a burden for another day. In the meantime, eat, drink, and enjoy God. You will end up fulfilled as you have never known.

Sincerely,

Will

?

Why is this what Jesus wants?

Insofar as a father who wishes to see his son’s bedroom cleaned, and whom

lets the room rot

so that his son will see the err’ of his ways, and learn to clean his own room;

Why is this what Jesus wants?

I feel so far away from Jesus…and yet I’m so reminded that

“…even when our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart.”

…and I am unthankful.

I hope you’re thankful too, for this mess.

Feels Good

It feels good to be alive right now. I feel dumb for saying that, but after you go crazy, you feel good being back.
I just…don’t want to talk about The Holy Spirit or demons anymore. Bradley and Marvin tell me all the time that they either don’t want to hear it or don’t know what to say; it’s ruining friendships, my fears and obessions, so I’m just done with being afraid of them.

He has not given us a spirit of fear

I hope so. I am not pentacostal, but I would consider myself a recovering charismatic. I’ve been afraid of everything my whole life, always freaking out and backing down from things. Guess what? That doesn’t work when you take responsibility for your actions. For a while I just tried to justify my actions with, “My fears take presedence” type philosophies, but those thoughts don’t cover the subsequent heartaches and broken things. So, I am re-learning joy.

You know, joy. Not happiness, but that bubbling deep down inside of you (christians) that exists even when you’re angry at life or God, that bubbling within that overflows when you accept it and trust it and open yourself to it. That’s the Holy Spirit, and more than joy, he’s our guide and protector. I am re-learning all of this…all of this, and trying not to be afraid.

Please pray for a certain friend of mine. He’s struggling hard with drugs and being caught in that lifestyle, but he is a Christian and feels the emptiness of it, and is on the cusp of many different life decisions. Please pray that God would guide, direct, discipline and LOVE him, and that he would feel it and love it and know it. Please pray for that.

Thanks for reading;
there’s more to come. I will write more, later.

Will

Good Morning…

…because this dream has lasted WAY too long.

I am disgusted by how much I’ve let fear run my life. If you’re a cessationist stop reading now because I’m about to

prove you wrong by experience,

and I’m not going to debate you – the gifts are still around.

Long ago, before high school ended, I was confronted by a false prophet, whom spoke demons into my life under the guise of scripture and truth. Now, before I even saw him, I knew there were demons, and that scared the hell out of me. One I saw him, I knew that he was whom they were working through – and God wanted me to confront him. I didn’t know how to do that; Now, none of us ever really do – that’s why we work in faith, trusting God one call at a time – and I didn’t want to either. I sat in fear in that room, feeling the most intense oppression and attack; spiritual assault, that I’ve ever felt in my life…and I let it own me.

That is, until recently. The reason I dropped out of school is that I felt strongly that God still had me to deal with this; that it wasn’t something I could simply write off, like some things are that God calls us to. No, this calling is much more like Jonah’s, and the stress and breaking of my mind is, simply put, not that far from that of Jonah’s while in the whale. I can’t get this guy out of my head, I can’t stop thinking about conviction and that moment that I chose not to listen to God – knowing full well that God wasn’t going to let me out of it.

Now, it’s two years later and I’ve run and hidden and had panic attacks and even had vision trouble come, and I still must confront this man. Now, I do confess that when I’m near this man I still feel something evil, something heinous that only wants to twist and distort truth, especially that which I speak to him, and I don’t want to go up against a useless case. The frustrating part is that, simply put, God knows how this is going to turn out, whether he listens to me or not, and God has set it up that way for that purpose, for His Glory and my good.

I just don’t like it, and it’s killing me.

Let it be a testament to the great Glory of God that is His wisdom and knowledge, will and power, mercy, grace and justice – that my story speaks highly of Him. Pray for me, if you would and please, for me to love this man, for Christ even loves His greatest enemies; either that or he hypocritically asks of it of us (which, by nature and essence, He cannot do) and I must be like Him. Pray for my love of him, and through that love the clear, powerful words of rebuke and the humility required/necessitated for such a calling. I must overcome this point in life, and I know that I will, for God’s calling is irresistable. I can’t get away from Him.

On quite a happier note, I would like to leave you with a video that began playing out of nowhere while I was praying for help, humility and sanity last night. I do believe it’s an encouragement of God, no matter how cheesy it may seem:

Today Sucked

Waking up today was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while.

1) Last night, after the Art Show at Northpointe, I had to follow libby back to her host house for the time that she was up here. Not so bad until she took off in front of me (I was following the speed limit) and left me in the dust. You gotta understand: at this point in my life I’m convicted about driving past the speed limit. It’s a law of the land, and w’re to obey it under God’s authority, not to mention it’s not going to harm us to drive slower than we’d like to. So, Alex texts me and lets me know that she feels that I drive like an old man. Thanks, Alex, I feel great now; totally respected.

2) Once we get to Libby’s host house, she gets her things and we move them over to Chris’ house. Not bad, but then I have to drive Libby’s car to Daniel’s house. This is weird when the girl’s car that you’re driving either used to like you a lot or still does, and you don’t feel the same way in return. Frustrating.

3) I totally hurt Alex’s feelings on the way to Daniel’s house, but I felt like I needed to say what I said. Most of the time that’s what happens – I don’t mean to cut someone down, but I’ve spent enough time in my life beating around the bush waiting for someone to understand something that no one with tell them. Frustrating, and really hard on the conscience.

4) We stay at Daniel’s until 3 a.m. Horrible choice, especially being that half the company at Daniel’s house is half the praise band at Northpointe. I’m still not used to these people; I’ve “known” them for over 2-3 years now. Frustrating, hard on the conscience, awkward.

5) On the drive to Alex’s house from Daniel’s Libby asked me if I’m mad at her for the “old man” comment and lets me know that it was her that said it, not Alex. I lied to her, telling her that I was fine, just tired. Got Alex home and took a really quiet ride back to Chris’ house to drop off Libby – where she asks me to text her when I get home. I can’t do that, people. I don’t want to to explain it, it just frustrates me when people ask me to do that. Frustrating, hard on the conscience, awkward, frustrated.

6) I get home at 4 a.m., ready to go to sleep – and so I do. I wake up at 9 a.m. for the alarm, but dysfunctional, and go back to sleep. I wake up again at 1 p.m. This time I’m already stressed out because I slept through band this morning (though, it could have been worse – Michael was playing guitar this week, so they didn’t need me.) and through church. I totally forgot that I was supposed to bring my iPod and play a Derek Webb song for church. Frustrating, hard on the conscience, awkward, frustrated, stressed bad.

7) I just lay around in bed, now depressed and stressed for another hour. My mom comes in and sits down beside the bed (I’m half hanging off and half on the the bed, looking strung out) and tells me that I’m scaring her. This hasn’t happened since middle school… I also decided against going on vacation with my parents, simply because I didn’t want to go – and it hurt my mom’s feelings, really bad. Guilt, dude. Shame and guilt like you don’t even know – when making a decision that isn’t that big to you hurts someone else like that, you begin to think that you’re just plain screwed up. Also, my mom let me know that my dad thinks I’m avoiding him…(we didn’t say a word to each other today.) I don’t know what to say to my dad…I don’t feel like I have anything that he wants to hear; I never have. Frustrating, hard on the conscience, awkward, frustrated, stressed bad, guilted and shamed.

My parents stopped by my nephew’s birthday party on their way to the beach. I think he’s 4…I’m not even sure.

I intentionally dodged more conversations today than I have in a while, as well, and refused money from my mom. When she feels like there’s nothing else to do for me, she resorts to wanting to give me money: buying me clothes, buying me shoes, buying gas, or just giving money, etc. This is really killing me; I’m beginning to think that I was made just to hurt these people.

Final Outcome = Way closer to suicidally depressed than you might have ever guessed.

It’s Been A While

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt human. As far as I can remember, I’ve always worried about getting the most out of life, in regards to following God and getting things done – perhaps playing in the best band in the world or writing the greatest theological books ever – but I don’t see that happening anymore. The more I pay whatever little attention I can muster to the dragging on of the days and the changing of the times, the little meaning I really find in anything. Songs that once meant so much mean nothing anymore, people that moved away – bringing us to tears – just don’t really matter anymore, and squeezing the juice out of games or people just seems to let me down a little more each time I try.

Enter this thought – none of it really matters. If Christianity is true, then it’s all worth giving up; it doesn’t really matter anyway. Material things, passions of the heart and whatnot simply fall away – even passionate love falls to the wayside. People let you down, people build you up, but they can’t do anything to you if you won’t allow them to, unless harm you in some unintended way. Politics – they really just suck to think about a lot. Election…election…healthcare…race…gender…bleh. It’ll all be over some day.

I really hope that Heaven has something to offer that this world doesn’t, because this world sucks. I tried being that kid that thought the world was great for most of my life…now, I’d rather not. It’s simply not worth it.

Excuse me, you presbyterian artist, Mr. Webb,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I nothing short of totally confused in regards to Derek Webb’s choice of “marketing logistics” of his new album ‘Stockholm Syndrome.’

I’ve decided to step out in faith – and take life SLOW. I have been pushing too hard for too long to try and figure out the deep complexities of God, life, and love without bringing prayer and patience into the mix. Today I woke up and took my bike for a ride around Furman, a campus I’ve grown up loving and cherishing. So, in all honesty, I loved it – what I don’t love is how much fear I’ve let let rattle and rule my love for it, and for everything else (my faith, my family, my friends, and my passions). I’m enjoying Skype and iChat with my newest friends, and hoping that the rest of the summer turns out as well as today did.

By for now,

Wrapped in the Love of Christ Jesus,

-Will